A Bit of Hurtful Words

Ever had someone say something horrible to you?

I’ve had this particular writing prompt bouncing around in my head for a long while. It’s probably inspired by random negative thoughts that pop into my head.

We’ve all been there. Someone says something awful to you and it gets stuck in your brain. It nags at you. It creeps in when you don’t want it. It pops up out of the blue.

I have one that bugs me when I write.

Well, to be fair, it bugs me all the time, but particularly when I write.

I once had an oh-so-charming co-worker ((picture that “oh-so-charming” dripping with sarcasm)) once tell me I always make things about me.

It flabbergasted me.

I’d always prided myself on being a good listener and an empathetic person. The kicker was it popped out of her mouth like she couldn’t help saying it. Like she’d been thinking it for a while, and in that moment, my transgression was so egregious she couldn’t stop herself from saying it.

Hm.

Hmmmmmm.

The thing is, she was right. Since she said that, I catch myself doing it all the time. But not for the reason she thought. I’ve read that listening to someone’s experience and then sharing a similar situation of your own is how some people awkwardly show they are listening. I’m one of those people. I’m honestly not trying to bring the focus back to me. I’m attempting (albeit poorly) to show you I’ve been there, and you have my sympathy.

Nowadays, I try to respond in a way that doesn’t mention me at all. My reformation goes badly, though. It’s second nature for me to throw out my own personal stories. Most of the time, I end up thinking to myself “Darn it! I did it AGAIN!!”

In my defense, I have always tried to come up with legitimate solutions to other people’s problems if they share them. In fact, I had spent many hours trying to help that very same co-worker through some very heavy relationship issues. Often, I’ll come back to someone the next day with some ideas or support. It just takes me a bit.

Here’s how it affects my writing.

This whole “writing and sharing it online” feels like an “all about me” thing. My writing talks about me….a lot. The thing is, it’s my life experience that some people seem to enjoy. I lived my life and I’m the one who knows about it.

And I’m the one who learned that some words are harder to get over than others. So…...I wrestle with the demon sometimes, and when I succeed, you get a piece of writing to read.

Moving on to another hurtful thing someone said to me….someone once said I look like a freak.

Oddly, that one, on its own, didn’t affect me much. I’m one of those people who can see myself pretty much as I am. My honest assessment of myself is that I’m one of those folks who are lovely and wonderful in animated conversation with a fantastic smile and eyes that light up making my enthusiasm shine. However, when not in happy conversation, I have very crooked features, too pale skin, and dark circles under my eyes.

Aaaand, I’ve always had a love affair with french fries and chocolate (which seem to act as fertilizer for my boobs).

Yes, I am not a runway model, but I’m happy and pleasant and have my moments. It’s good enough for me.

I have a larger point with the freak comment, though. For most people (including me), those kind of comments tend to pile up.

When I say that, I mean the comment got added onto a pile of other insidious comments, like being told my butt was getting as big as a barrel, or that I looked bad with make-up on (when I wasn’t wearing make-up), or that my toes are crooked. It gets to be too much. I have to vigorously shake off the comments to get back to the “this-is-me-at-this-stage-of-life” acceptance.

I’m not the only person who feels this way about comments directed at physical characteristics and not everyone can shake them off. Here’s my best advice if you consider mentioning anything about another person’s looks: shut up!

Sooooo, the “freak” comment taught about situations in which it is best to keep my mouth closed.

Which brings me to the third awful thing said to me.

In the midst of a conversation with an elderly relative, I told them I don’t mind my age. I was around 40 at the time. The relative told me I didn’t look my age and that’s why I didn’t mind. She went on to say when I looked my age, I would definitely have a problem with it.

On a personal level, that was about the gloomiest prediction I’ve ever heard. Yaaaaaay, ((Sarcasm again.)) I’m gonna be miserable.

Cheerful, wasn’t it?

I’m 49 now. I’m getting jowls. My neck has gone soft. Gravity is kicking in hard. Varicose veins are starting to pop up. I can’t just spring out of bed and start walking around like I used to. I have to stretch and shuffle around for a few minutes until I loosen up.

Does it bug me to look in the mirror? Sometimes.

Remember that shake it off thing I said? I do that. Each and every day, I make a conscious effort not to let aging get me down.

Yes, I’m getting older but I have kick-butt knowledge on so many topics now. Plus, I have a wonderful family and we’re all interconnected and I love keeping up with them. Age has its perks!

Lesson learned: I choose to look on the bright side.

Other than it being a writing prompt, you might be wondering why I chose to share these hurtful comments, especially since I’ve just talked about how uncomfortable I am with the “me, me, me” aspect of my writing.

Well, here’s the part where I make it about “you, you, you”.

Have YOU ever said something horrible to someone?

Yeah, we can turn this argument around. It’s easy to remember times when we’re the victim, not as easy to acknowledge being the perpetrator. Probably because we thought we had good reason, at the time, for saying whatever horrible thing we said.

Think back over the instances I’ve talked about. In every case, I feel like the other person was lashing out at me. People do that when they themselves feel hurt. I liken it to how wounded animals react. They growl and they snap because something is painful.

What I’m flailing around at is this: when cutting words are spoken, it’s a good idea to pull back, retreat for a while (maybe a long while) and think about the reasons the words were said. Sometimes, there may be truth behind the words, sometimes there may not. And, sometimes there are unspoken reasons behind the words. It’s your job to see if you can ferret them out.

The main thing to remember is to learn from the experience and move on, ‘cause if you let hateful words take up residence, they fester.

Finally, when it comes to dealing with any kind of bad experience, of any size, talking about it to the right person always helps. Whether you choose to confide in a trusted loved one or an experienced counselor, find someone you can be open with and hash out the details. For me, talking about trauma is like cleaning out a wound. For this to work, you may need purposeful healing. In other words, you aren’t talking about it to dwell on the details, but to figure out what went wrong and how to handle moving on.

I shared my experiences as examples of how the process works and to let you see we’ve all been there.

((Basically, it’s my awkward thing, but in reverse.))

What someone says to you is on them, how you respond is on you.

((On another note, these posts are starting to feel like friendly sermons. In fact, I feel like I would be a great preacher, except I’m more of a deist than a theist. But I’ve always liked the idea of helping people in need, and goodness knows, I like to talk and to tell people what I think they ought to be doing. Just ask my kids!))