A Bit of Embarrassment

Today, I’m gonna share some funny stories ‘cause I think we all need a laugh.

I’ve told these stores once before, long ago, on another forgotten format, but they’re worth telling again. They teach a good lesson on not getting too full of yourself.

So…..

Way WAY back…(early 2000s-ish)...I had this pair of delicate turquoise blue lace panties.

I quite liked these undies. No, they were not “someone’s getting lucky” undergarment, but they also weren’t anyone’s idea of granny panties, either. Little bit naughty, a little bit nice. I just really liked the bright color and wearing them was a confidence booster, even if I was the only one who knew. They put a little pep in my step.

Now, at about this same time, I owned a car that had hand cranked windows.

For the younger folks among us, car doors used to have a crank that you turned to raise and lower the door window.

((I wish we’d go back to them because I find myself zizzzzzz-ing down, zizzzzzzz-ing up, zizzzzzzz-ing down, zizzzzz-ing back up ever so slowly just to crack the window.))

Anyway, because my car door had these crank handles on them, often when I would climb out of the car, I’d manage to catch my pants pockets on them.

Don’t ask me how. I can achieve great things in the absurdly clumsy department. GREAT things.

When this pants pocket catch would happen, I’d give an annoyed tug to release myself and move on with my life.

Well, one day I had to go to the store. One of those big chain stores. You know the kind. Large, cameras and workers everywhere. The kind of place where you run into three different friends and two relatives while you’re in the fruit section.

So I roll up into the parking lot, feeling pretty good. I’m looking hot. Had a new ruffled shirt on, slim fit jeans, killer shoes….all of which put me in a darn dandy mood.

I was groovin’ on my self confidence.

(That should have been my first clue. Things were going too well.)

I hop out of the car and that stupid crank catches my pocket. Not even bothering to glance backward, I give it the tug and head for the store entrance.

Grabbing a buggy, I start shopping.

I’m strolling around, checking out this, that, and whatever, grabbing up what I need and dropping it in the cart.

Again, this is one of those big stores. It has a lawn and garden section, a pharmacy, clothing, toys, a bakery, and groceries. I didn’t have the kids with me. I was enjoying myself.

Now…..

You ever have one of those moments when a little warning bell dings in your head? I was about three-quarters of the way through my shopping trip (meaning I had been wandering out that store a ding-dang long time!!!!!) when I realized something was up.

No one was meeting my eyes. I slowed my pace, walking thoughtfully down an aisle contemplating this avoidance, wondering if it was my imagination.

No, it wasn’t my imagination. Looks were being averted.

I did a hurried check of the usual suspects. Reaching up, I checked my hair. It felt like it was all in place. I did the quick little nose scratch thing. No obvious boogers. Glancing down, I could see nothing on my shirt. What the heck could it be????

Still trying to figure it out, I arrived in the freezer section.

Folks, I cannot begin to explain the amount of sheer terror that filled my heart when I stepped over to a cooler to grab some milk and felt an ICE COLD BREEZE BLOW RIGHT UP MY BUTT!!!

That stupid crank had ripped my back pocket!! My entire left butt cheek...CLAD IN BRIGHT TURQUOISE PANTIES….was hanging out for all the world to see!!!

Ya’ll…..you don’t know embarrassment until you’re frantically grasping at the tattered remains of your pants, trying to keep your gluteous maximus from falling out.

I have never beat such a hasty retreat out of a store in my entire life! It’s the only time I’ve ever left a buggy full of stuff behind, too. I nearly ran to my car. The poor door greeter was treated to the sight of me dashing out, holding onto my butt for dear life. She probably thought I was the victim of a majorly unfortunate intestinal event!

I can’t remember the drive home. I never went back for the cartload of purchases. I had to let the sting of embarrassment die down for about three weeks before I could venture into that particular store again.

So, you’d think that’d be about the worst that could happen to a person in a store.

Nope.

Remember, I said I could achieve great things in the clumsiness department.

Same. Darn. Store.

THIS time, it was winter. I was wearing a pair of much-loved winter boots with thick clunky heels that made me feel like I could take on the entire world and win. I’d paired them with a super long wool coat, that had a flowing loose hood. I looked the very picture of a goth witch!

Again, I was groovin’ on the outfit. ((You’d think I’d learn.))

I wasn’t shopping for much. Just had to pick up one little item. I’d finished checking out and was heading for my car. This was during the holidays, pretty close to Christmas. The store was packed! As per usual, the crowds around the check-out are were tremendous.

So, I’m strutting along, feeling good about my outfit and the imminent escape from the frenzied crowds. And then it happens!

My oh-so-clunky boot catches on my oh-so-long coattail.

Down. I. Go!!

These stores do a really good job at keeping the floors clean and polished.

Here’s how I know.

The wool of my coat made contact with the floor, and I SLID! I skittered a good five or six feet. I’m pretty sure I made a whooshing noise.

It’s a Christmas miracle that I didn’t take out any other shoppers.

((Can you imagine being a sweet little old lady, shopping for the grand-kids, and you end up in a tangled heap because a full grown woman slid into you like she was stealing second base….not good! Not good at all!))

Needless to say, when I picked myself up off the floor, I gathered up the backside of my coat and beat another hasty retreat from the store.

(To this day, I can still perfectly recall the sensation of zipping along a horizontal surface while desperately clutching a plastic bag, praying not to bang into anyone.)

Wanna know why I’ve shared these stories?

‘Cause: Whenever you start thinking you’re hot stuff, the Universe will make the necessary corrections! ((Words of wisdom from someone who finally learned her lesson.))

** Also, if you ever get a job in security at a store in West Virginia, and there is an old security tape labeled “That Woman”, it’s probably me. **